Another night of tossing and turning, Facebook scrolling and I see a quiz on how to find your dream job. I generally think I have it, but thought well why not. The answer: a Writer. I’ve been doing my usual again. Getting caught up in the business of business, neglecting my workouts and asana practice, haven’t written in months. And on a night that I’m finding my myself riddled with anxiety, worrying about all the things “good yogi’s” are supposed to be able to let go of, staring straight at me is: be a writer.
I have kept a journal on and off my entire life. A place to purge, to ramble, despair or pray, whatever needs to come out at the time. What I’m inspired by, troubled by or overcome in gratitude for. Over the last few years I’ve shifted a lot of this into my blogs. Relating much of my life to what I have learned through my yoga practice. Trying to take the thoughts I’m having and spin them around to something positive, a life lesson. Trying to live in gratitude, which is really where I find myself most of time. Making time to write, just like all the other things we need to do for ourselves tends to take last place. If only knowing and doing were easier, right!
But at 3am last night when every muscle in my body hurt for no reason other than stress. My constant mantra of “this will pass your life is good” was trying to push pass the zillion negative thoughts to no avail. Questioning all my decisions, the thousand things on my to do list, how many things I’ve fucked up and whether I’m buckling under pressure… These are things I find difficult to admit: this doubt, this fear.
This is the trouble I have with writing publicly, how to work through the veil; to not give everything away, to protect myself from vulnerability. Most of my writing comes after the darkness has faded and it’s my melancholy that gives me the words I need to express. Even today. Yet somewhere between this calling out from the depths of Facebook, and my real neglect of self-expression through words I feel a stronger truth needs to be told. This admission of being human (shocking I know!) how easy it is for us to forgive others and still our ego stands in judgment. How quickly the waters of negativity come when we push ourselves too far, the waves lashing out against those standing too close.
So rather than the flowers and butterflies, today a little darkness needed to come out. However, without darkness there can be no light.
PS – I still feel I need to share that I do feel lighter already. An hour yoga class this morning (with my dear friend Joy Keller – technology is amazing!) and French toast and coffee for breakfast. Letting the little things add back up again. Xo